So it’s not mindfulness (or lack of it) that does my head in rather than mindlessness. This is what eludes me. I’d love to be able to switch off and drift into relaxed nothingness and think of absolutely nothing at all. But I can’t. I’m the person that has their iPhone welded to their hand before they go to sleep at night scrolling through Instagram, LinkedIn, blogs, daily mail.co.uk, work emails and well anything really..tapping away on an endless loop..or writing list upon list about everything that I need to conquer the next day or even planning content for my blog.. or writing copy for clients..or character outlines for the book that I plan to write..it’s amazing how much you can get done typing furiously with two fingers on an iPhone in the dark whilst your husband is snoring next to you ..
I just can’t switch off..and don’t get me wrong – as my friends would testify to – I’m not an action packed, athletic glamazon..think more Sid the Sloth’s older sister..it’s my mind not my body that needs to chill the hell out.
I remember several years ago when we were trying to conceive son number 2 and it was proving a wee bit challenging so we were trying everything..I had a go at acupuncture (needle phobia pushed firmly to the back of my mind..man I must have wanted that baby) and it was my personal hell..lots of soothing pointless chat that didn’t relax me in the least..loads of frigging needles stabbing in me a la Pinhead (spot the 80s reference) that I couldn’t help staring at despite my acute fear of needles.
But the worst bit was when the saccharine sweet therapist said “and now relax”..to which I replied “what..what do you mean..what do I do now..?” and she said ‘nothing, just relax and I’ll come back to check on you..” and she basically left me on my bloody own for forty five minutes with the occasional pop in to tweak one of the needles. Gag. Alone with my crazy thoughts and inability to relax I was a twitching wreck, and when she came back I was more wound up than when we started. Money well spent. And no we didn’t get pregnant that month..!
But you know what, despite still being that person that has 17 screens open on her laptop, and who flits from screen to screen and task to task whilst tending to my phone every time it pings a text/LinkedIn update/ well anything really, I think I may have slightly turned a corner in crazy land; I had a massage the day before I left Fiji and managed to lie still for most of it.
And not only that, I didn’t mentally pack the cases, plan where we were eating that evening, write out a things to do list for my business for when we returned, wonder when the uniform shop was open at school, remind myself to Skype my mum, pay the man who had looked after the cats, tell the cleaner that the aforementioned cat man may be around when they came in to clean, ask my mate how her interview went, book the boys haircuts…er honest!